If there was any doubt that Marc Thiessen is unable to think critically, we have more proof

Actually, I really just want to call him a fucking moron, but that would be rude.

Anyway, here is an article that he wrote for a think tank, which makes me wonder what people do at think tanks. I would love a job at a think tank since I’m positive I’m a better thinker than this numbnuts.

If it’s illustrative of anything than I suppose it’s about the politicisation of absafucking everything everyone does in America. Let’s see, Marc, you intellectual dwarf, what is the Republican way to install toilet paper in the bathroom? Is it unAmerican to park one’s car in reverse?

Look, I know that I argued that American Football was unAmerican, which is obviously an angle to point out the destruction that is going on in prime athletes banging their heads together multiple times a game. I enjoy watching the sport, but I think longterm brain damage needs to be addressed before I feel comfortable endorsing a sport.

But Marc the torture advocate Thiessen actually thinks that Soccer is socialist because, “Soccer is the only sport in the world where you cannot use the one tool that distinguishes man from beast: opposable thumbs. “No hands” is a rule only a European statist could love.”

What the fuck does that mean? First of all, it is not the “only sport in the world” where you can’t use your hands. In fact, you can use your hands in soccer. You throw the ball in with your hands, dick. You just can’t touch the ball with your hands while it’s in play. But there are other sports with similar rules, like this one, and this one, and this one, or is Jesse Owens not American enough for you?

He then says this: “Soccer is also the only sport in the world that has “hooligans”—proletarian mobs that trash private property whenever their team loses.” Which is a problem, but this is just a problem in countries that care about one sport, not soccer in particular. Here’s a good story about crazy hockey fans that you should know about, fool.

Next he writes:

Soccer is collectivist. At this year’s World Cup, the French national team actually went on strike in the middle of the tournament on the eve of an elimination match. (Yes, capitalist sports have experienced labor disputes, but can you imagine a Major League Baseball team going on strike in the middle of the World Series?)

At the youth level, soccer teams don’t even keep score and everyone gets a participation trophy. Can you say, “From each according to his ability…”? (The fact that they do keep score later on is the only thing that prevents soccer from being a Communist sport.)

Major League Baseball teams don’t go on strike because the baseball players’ union is league wide, dork. And this doesn’t prove anything anyways. Just because a single team goes on strike says nothing about the sport itself. So far, the only evidence that soccer is socialist is that there is a rule against using one’s hands. But it shouldn’t be surprising that Thiessen doesn’t appreciate a rule since he’s the same guy who thinks that rules against torture should be ignored. Isn’t that right, you immoral shit?

Concerning the second paragraph, I don’t even know where to start. First of all, when I coached under 8 soccer for a church league in the south (that bastion of socialist thought), we did keep score. And the league participation rules were identical to the basketball league I coached in as well, heathen. What does a participation trophy at the youth level say about the Marxian tenet that he alludes to? Seriously, I’m open to being persuaded. No explanation, just an allusion that doesn’t apply.

And when Thiessen can’t come up with any more evidence than the above “evidence” that shows almost no imagination or ability to think critically about something, he links to another article that rails against things like the offsides rule that no American sport would employ since America doesn’t like sports with rules that equalize the field. In soccer, “You must let the defense be behind you. You cannot beat them downfield until you have the ball.” This is so not true on so many accounts I’ll just name two. American football has so many freaking rules that mitigate unfairness it has become impossible to explain to anyone who hasn’t grown up with the sport. There is, by the way, a thing called offsides in American football as well. And it is not allowed either. Secondly, in soccer you are very much allowed to beat the defense downfield before you have the ball, but you’re too stupid to learn the rule before you criticize it.

Matthew Yglesias also points out that soccer is not the most popular sport in some very large countries like China, Russia, India, and Indonesia. He also points out that Cuba and Venezuela, two socialist countries, prefer baseball to soccer. What he doesn’t point out is that China, Russia, Cuba, and Venezuela have reputations or have had reputations where their governments abduct citizens that might possibly in some scenario become a threat to the country. And then they might torture that person. So be careful Marc Thiessen, you moron, because you might actually be on to something, here. Soccer seems to be popular in countries that don’t torture their citizens as much as in countries where soccer is a marginal sport. But I guess that’s what you want, isn’t it, you fucking fat war criminal.

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